We first came across this guy in our child-birth class (which deserves a post in its own right). He looks like a homeless guy who has been fortunate enough find someone's discarded royal blue button-down shirt and a tie, makes strange attempts at jokes which no one on camera laughs at, and is generally uncomfortable to look at. He is so disheveled, in fact, that he could conceivably be Robert de Niro, deep in a weirdo role.
We watched a ten minute segment of the video in the birthing class, and I remember being horrified, and laughing that anyone would actually take this clown seriously. He takes a crying baby and wraps it in a blanket, arms at the baby's side pseudo-straitjacket-style, then starts shaking the baby such that its head is wobbling like a bowl of jello. Simultaneously, he is shushing loudly in the baby's ear. Surely this was exactly what not to do, right? I couldn't stop from laughing in class, but everyone else looked on intently, and at me like I was the asshole, and seemed to take the guy seriously. Retards. They had probably been shaken as babies.
Well, the baby in the video stops crying and looks perplexed, bordering on stunned, but generally content. I kept waiting for the instructor (who was a pretty border-line character herself--I think she may be a witch) to jump out and say "See all the crazy shit people will try to get you to do to your baby? Never shake a baby!" but instead she goes on about how great this dude is and how this video will make things so much better for you. Hmm.
It seemed fucked up to me, so rather than take Witchy-poo's word for it, I asked our Harvard educated pediatrician. Surely she'd tell me it was bunk. Nope, actually our pediatric practice hands out a sheet of baby soothing suggestions itemizing the five Ss.
Turns out that a baby's biggest problem is a total lack of coordination. My daughter will repeatedly bitch-slap herself, gouge her eyes and then fish-hook her mouth for good measure. Naturally, this pisses her off big-time, and she seeks revenge by way of poking, scratching and her favorite move, the backhanded pimp-slap. And, not surprisingly, her attempted revenge just enrages her further. Its kind of a like when a bigger kid would grab your hand and hit you with it--"Stop hitting yourself. Hahaha! Dummy"--except that she plays both roles herself. So actually swaddling is a godsend because it stops her from kicking her own ass.
Shushing? Are you kidding me? Good one, Einstein, shush a baby. That'll work! Maybe just ask her stop? She's a baby, she doesn't know that shush means be quiet. Or does she? Turns out the hobo in blue is right again, and an irate crying baby responds positively to being shushed. Loudly! Strange, because if someone broadcast static into my ear it would set off the bitch-slap reflex discussed above. At some point I know my daughter is going to develop that too, and I'll have a black-eye from my two year old.
Swaying, the homeless guy's euphemism for shaking, is the hardest of the Ss to do--its now "shake the baby, shake the baby"--but the most worthwhile. She can be throwing the ultimate shit fit but gently jiggling her will almost always get her to stop, at least momentarily. And let's face it, life with a newborn is nothing but a series of moments, and you just hope that your day contains more good ones than bad.
As for sucking and whatever the fifth S is, I can't say yet. My daughter won't take a pacifier really, although she does go absolutely ape shit for my finger dipped in watermelon juice. I know that's a no-no and I've only done it twice, so chillax. What I can say with certainty is that The Happiest Baby on the Block is a great investment. If you're having a kid, buy it. If you swaddle, shush and sway, your baby will love you for it--or at least stop screaming in your ear.
1 comment:
You have got to quit saying you can't write. You can write. This is hilarious--even though I do cringe (between guffaws) at words like bitch-slap and pimp-slap being used in regards to Allie.
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